Creating a Successful Relationship

John Gottman, Ph.D. is widely recognized as the pre-eminent researcher and teacher of marital therapy. His research, conducted over a 40 year period at the University of Washington in Seattle, has led to the most comprehensive and evidence-based theoretical and practical understanding of the dynamics of what makes couples succeed or fail and what works to help couples get back on track. This research has revealed what it takes to “make marriage work”: managing conflict, increasing emotional connection and supporting each partner’s dreams. The following long quote from the Gottman Institute’s website (www.gottman.com) distills the essential components of creating relationships that last by paying attention to what they call The Sound Relationship House, or the nine aspects of successful relationships:

Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes?

Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)

Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.

The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.

Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.

Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.

Trust: this is the state that occurs when a person knows that his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s interests, and maximize that person’s benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this means, “my partner has my back and is there for me.”

Commitment: This means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is completely your lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it). It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing gratitude by comparing the partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities, and nurturing resentment by comparing unfavorably with real or imagined others.

Combining the knowledge and wisdom of nearly forty years of studies and clinical practice, Gottman Method Couples Therapy helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Through research-based interventions and exercises, it is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s study of more than 3,000 couples. This research shows what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed out of this research to help partners:

•   Increase respect, affection, and closeness

•   Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck

•   Generate greater understanding between partners

•   Keep conflict discussions calm

https://www.gottman.com/about-gottman-method-couples-therapy/

 Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.

Redefining Success to De-stress

So often in life, we define success by the outcome for which we strive. We define success in school by the grades we receive. In sports, we define success as the final winner.  We define success in our careers by promotions, raises, or accolades received. We define financial success based on the items we can purchase or the number on our bank statement.  We define the success of our parenting, oftentimes, based on the behavior and success or happiness of our child(ren).

However, there are areas of life in which success is not so easily defined by the outcome. Relationship success can vary from person to person, relationship to relationship. To some, a successful relationship outcome is marriage.  To others, a successful relationship is cohabitation or honesty and communication. And yet, to others, a successful relationship is maintaining a façade for their partner. And, the list can continue.

Life success can be even more difficult to define. There is no single definition to know when you have lived your life successfully. This is perhaps even more varied than how to define a successful relationship. Depending on one’s place in the life cycle, their definitions may vary and may take into account more or fewer contexts to define success. A child may define a successful life as having all the toys they desire. An older child may define a successful life as being popular in school. A young adult may define success by their relationship and/or career status.  A middle aged adult may define success based on a number of factors including career, finances, relationship/family status, community involvement, as well as accruement of material goods. And so the trend continues.

However, why wait until the end to determine success? Why not focus on the journey, rather than singularly focus on the outcome?  The journey often is more than it’s sum, or the outcome. The build-up of a relationship, the time shared and memories made are more than a wedding or commitment. The journey of the relationship is what is important.  Becoming a parent is one aspect of parenthood. However, it is the journey of being a parent, that is important—putting your child to bed, kissing their boo-boo’s, cuddling while watching a movie. It’s all those little moments along the way. 

And so it is in life. Noticing and being present for the little moments that make up your life. The moments of peace and happiness along the way, as well as the moments that build our strength and character.  Enjoying a cup of coffee early in the morning when all is quiet and calm. That moment while sitting in traffic when your favorite song comes on the radio.  Laughing with a co-worker over your break.  Comforting a friend in their time of need.  Celebrating small milestones made by your children.  Sharing a comfortable silence. Surviving a loss.  Stealing that extra nap on the train.  Staying up late to watch an old movie.  Holding hands. Feeling the wind blow on your face. These are the minute moments that make up our day to day lives that lead to the success by which we define them.

Perhaps rather than defining our success by the outcome, we should define our success as our ability to be present for our life. For showing up and experiencing our day to day moments. The little moments as well as the big moments in life. The happy and peaceful moments, as well as the hard moments. Living each day with presence and purpose.

Karen Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Overcoming Negative Thoughts: You’re Closer Than You Think

“I don’t want to have any more bad thoughts”

This is a statement to which most people can relate, and it’s the kind of statement many people make in therapy.  We work very hard to identify the thoughts that make us feel sad, angry, jealous, frustrated, and afraid, and when we find those thoughts we want to delete them from existence.  We want them emptied into the trash like yesterday’s garbage! It’s natural and normal to feel that way…. and completely unrealistic to accomplish.  Not only is it unrealistic to delete all negative thoughts from our minds but it’s unhealthy too. 

Negative thoughts serve an important purpose for our functioning and development.  The presence of negative thoughts acts as a reminder to be aware of danger around us.  Visualize how a person would act with no negative thoughts at all.   They would constantly leave themselves open to being hurt in relationships because they couldn’t remember the feelings of sadness and anger that comes with a breakup.  In addition, they would feel no sense of fear causing them to constantly putting themselves in danger, life-threatening situations.  Negative thoughts serve a valuable purpose, no matter how uncomfortable they make us.

The idea is not to eliminate all negative thoughts, but to reduce them to a level with which we can life and feel happy.  The only negative thoughts that we want to get rid of are the broken ones that cause us to feel false feelings.

In a study conducted in 1989, a group of patients in the psychiatric wing of a hospital were given a questionnaire to determine how often these individuals had negative thoughts.  This same questionnaire was given to individuals with no history of any mental illness.  The ratio of negative to positive thoughts in the depressed group was 50% to 50%.  That means that they had one negative thought for every positive thought.  In the group with no history of mental illness, the ratio was of positive thoughts to negative thoughts was 38% to 62%.  So for 100 thoughts identified, people with no mental illness have 62 negative ones while people with mental illness have 50.  That means the difference between being depressed and being happy is just 12 thoughts per 100!

Think about how changing just 12 thoughts out of every 100 you have in a day could turn you from a depressed or angry person to a happy, fulfilled person!  How much energy would it take to change just those 12 thoughts?  When we look at our negative thoughts from this perspective they don’t feel like such a mountain to climb.  Changing out negative thoughts is achievable and realistic.  Eliminating them completely is its own negative thought- and there’s one thought we can change right now.

“While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us”   - Benjamin Franklin

William Knor, 

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Anxiety Giving You the Blues?

As we know anxiety can be burdensome and quite draining. The symptoms often leave you feeling overwhelmed and powerless, which has you believing that there is no relief from its control. Well guess what? There is relief and a way to gain control of your life. The first step to regaining control of your life is to seek professional help. A mental health professional can provide you with some tools that will help you cope with your symptoms. Also, they will help to restore balance in your life by identifying the negative reoccurring thoughts that is causing you to behave in a way that is interfering in your daily life. Don’t forget to also make an appointment with your physician or a psychiatrist. Medication may be prescribed to reduce your symptoms of anxiety. You can also make some dietary and lifestyle changes to help alleviate the symptoms. Reduce consumption of products that contain caffeine, such as tea, coffee, cola, chocolate and energy drinks. If you follow these steps, you are on your way to living a worry free life!

Submitted by:

Vashonte James, MSW, LCSW

Achieving Happiness to Fight Stress III

Studies on positive mood show a number of relevant findings:

*Men who scored in the top third range of optimism had 50% less heart attacks than men who scored in the bottom third
*2 or more traumatic events raised the risk of breast cancer by 62%
*Optimism in women reduced the risk of breast cancer by 25%
*Men who were high in worry where over twice as likely to develope type 2 diabetes
*Optimistic insurance salesmaen out sold their counterparts 21% the first year, 57& the second year and the gap continued to grow
* Physicians who had positive mood were more accurate and faster at making diagnoses

What's the take away? Positive mood improves health, well-being and overall functioning. So how happy are you? Here is a scale by Pavot and Deiner (1993) that measures well-being, a measure of happiness.  Be sure to cover up the scoring key below so that your answers are unbiased.

Below are five statements that you may agree or disagree with. Using the 1 - 7 scale below, indicate your agreement with each item by placing the appropriate number on the line preceding that item. Please be open and honest in your responding.

• 7 - Strongly agree
• 6 - Agree
• 5 - Slightly agree
• 4 - Neither agree nor disagree
• 3 - Slightly disagree
• 2 - Disagree
• 1 - Strongly disagree

____ In most ways my life is close to my ideal.

____ The conditions of my life are excellent.

____ I am satisfied with my life.

____ So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.

____ If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.

• 31 - 35 Extremely satisfied
• 26 - 30 Satisfied
• 21 - 25 Slightly satisfied
• 20        Neutral
• 15 - 19 Slightly dissatisfied
• 10 - 14 Dissatisfied
•  5 -  9   Extremely dissatisfied

The most common response range is Satisfied.  The ideal range is Extremely satisfied and is achieved by about 25% of people. No matter what you score, there is alway room for improvement. For specific activities to increase happiness, please refer to my previous blogs on creating happiness November 2014 and February 2015. 

Submitted by:

Holly O. Houston, Ph.D.

Life Related Stress

It seems that just when our life circumstances start flowing smoothly, something happens to interrupt that flow and causes major stress in our lives. From minor obstacles like car repairs or mild illness to major struggles like the loss of a job, serious illness of a family member, or children doing poorly in school, we have natural ups and downs in our lives. It can seem that these stressors are insurmountable at times and if we allowed it to happen, our worry about such things could consume every aspect of our life. Fortunately, although we may not be able to control or change all of the stressors we experience, we do have total control over how we choose to react to them.

·      Consider this a temporary situation. Do not assume that the situation, whatever it may be, will become a permanent issue. Even if it is likely to be something that will be present for the long-term, this particular stage of the problem is temporary.

·      Do not become so focused on the future and its uncertainty that you forget to consider and appreciate the present. Focus on the here and now.

·      Identify what you are able to control and change, and change it. Problem solve where you are able to give yourself a greater sense of control over the outcome of the situation.

·      Accept that you cannot change or control everything about the situation. Be aware of your limitations and ask for help when needed.

·      Have faith. Believing in a higher power, whatever that may be, can allow you to have faith and know that the situation will resolve in the manner that is best for you. Not necessarily with what you want, but with what you need.

Kelly Renzi, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist