John Gottman,
Ph.D. is widely recognized as the pre-eminent researcher and teacher of marital
therapy. His research, conducted over a 40 year period at the University of
Washington in Seattle, has led to the most comprehensive and evidence-based
theoretical and practical understanding of the dynamics of what makes couples
succeed or fail and what works to help couples get back on track. This research
has revealed what it takes to “make marriage work”: managing conflict,
increasing emotional connection and supporting each partner’s dreams. The
following long quote from the Gottman Institute’s website (www.gottman.com) distills the essential
components of creating relationships that last by paying attention to what they
call The Sound Relationship House, or the nine aspects of successful
relationships:
Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological
world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes?
Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the
amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness
and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)
Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and
respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually
the building blocks of relationship.
The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the
success of repair attempts.
Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict,
because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects.
Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems
and solvable problems.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk
honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors
about your relationship.
Trust: this is the state that occurs when a person knows that his
or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s interests, and
maximize that person’s benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and
benefits. In other words, this means, “my partner has my back and is there for
me.”
Commitment: This means believing (and acting on the belief) that your
relationship with this person is completely your lifelong journey, for better
or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it).
It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing gratitude
by comparing the partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than
trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities, and nurturing resentment
by comparing unfavorably with real or imagined others.
Combining the knowledge and
wisdom of nearly forty years of studies and clinical practice, Gottman Method
Couples Therapy helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater
understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Through
research-based interventions and exercises, it is a structured, goal-oriented,
scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical
data from Dr. Gottman’s study of more than 3,000 couples. This research shows
what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
was developed out of this research to help partners:
• Increase respect, affection, and closeness
• Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck
• Generate greater understanding between partners
• Keep conflict discussions calm
Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.
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