Finding Strength in Forgiveness

Forgiveness is difficult. From the driver who cuts you off in traffic to the spouse who has betrayed you, forgiveness is nearly impossible for some to achieve. Some might ask “Why should I forgive?” Some see forgiveness as a sign of weakness, of not being assertive but rather allowing oneself to be taken advantage of. Some feel that forgiving a person is giving in to them or overlooking their behavior.

Forgiveness is none of these things. Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves, not the person who harmed us. Withholding forgiveness for the sake of punishing someone is like holding on to an old, dirty, uncomfortable couch that is no longer being used simply because you don’t want anyone else to have it. It makes no sense; it takes up too much space, holds little value, and prevents you from creating a space for a new couch. Resentment is the same. It is holding onto something long after it has lost its value and purpose, and it impedes our ability to move forward with new, more useful things.

Forgiveness is a choice and a process. We cannot move forward until we have chosen to move forward. This means that we must make a conscious effort to let go of anger, hatred, hurt, and resentment. We must begin to work toward empathy and understanding in order to forgive. It certainly does not happen immediately and may take years to do. But, it is worth doing.

Why forgive? So someone else can use the old couch? No, so that we can create room for a new one. Forgiveness is not done for the benefit of the offender, it is for the benefit of ourselves. We don’t forgive someone because we want them to feel better; we forgive so that we can feel better. We can feel release and rejuvenation. Forgiving does not mean that we have to tolerate the offense of another, it simply means that we are willing to let go and move on.

Finally, forgiveness is a sign of strength. Any time we choose to do something difficult and succeed at it, we gain strength. It is much easier to be content with the anger and hurt that becomes a part of us when we’re resentful. It takes strength to push ourselves to do something that is difficult, but it is worthwhile.

Stages of Change

Human beings are generally resistant to change and will repeat familiar behaviors even when they are no longer beneficial and even harmful. However, human beings are also very adaptable so we can change if we put our minds to it. Psychologists Carlo DiClemente, PhD and James O. Prochaska, PhD have identified five stages to making change.

Pre-contemplation: This stage represents the period before the individual realizes that she is in need of change. Others in the environment may identify the problems and the change required to solve them but the individual is not yet on board. Attempts to provide solutions or admonitions to change are likely to be unsuccessful at this stage and may prolong this period as the individual asserts her right to make her own decisions. Empathy, understanding and support to come to her own decision to change are much more effective at this stage.

Contemplation: At this stage the individual has recognized the need for change but is not yet able to do anything about it. He is weighing the pros and cons of change and may be distressed at the prospect, especially about potential losses. Alternatively, he may find hope and some excitement about his possible future as he thinks things through. At this point, empathy and understanding are still the best approaches, as the individual must articulate his own desire to change.

Planning: At this stage the individual begins to collect information about change, may talk to others who have made similar change, but has not yet committed to a particular plan of action. The type of support is that most effective at this point is providing information without pushing the individual in a particular direction and allowing her to articulate her own approach to change.

Action: In the action stage, the individual has decided on a course of action and is willing to commit to new behaviors in support of change. This is the stage at which the person is the most receptive to advice, suggestion and direction, although the onus is still on the individual to articulate and act in the way he believes will be best for him.

Maintenance: Once action has been taken and changes made, the focus turns to maintenance of the new behaviors and circumstances. In many ways this stage is the most difficult because the novelty of change has worn off but the individual is still at risk to return to previous behaviors. The work required to maintain changes may seem like “a grind”, with little apparent reward.

Relapse: Although not a stage of change per se, relapse is a normal part of change for human beings. At any stage, the individual may “backslide” and engage in behaviors or resume an attitude she has attempted to change. After relapse, the individual may cycle through all the stages again. Relapse is disheartening to the individual but relapse is normal and change is still possible.

Nancy R. Soro, PhD

Stress-Free New Year

Now that Christmas has ended, it’s time to prepare for a healthier and prosperous New Year! This is the time to get your finances in order as well as your health. I usually set aside some time to reflect on the past year and hope to see a better one for the future. All the positive things that occurred in 2015, I tend to focus on and appreciate. The not so good things, I try not to focus on and carry over to the New Year. It is imperative that we do not focus on the negative as this will follow us into the New Year and never leave! Goals are very important to have for the New Year. Here are some goals I set for myself for the New Year:

• Lose 60 lbs.
• Eat more vegetables
• Exercise 4 days a week
• Focus more on self-care
• Spend more time with family and friends
• Spend less money on fast food and cook more at home

If you have any goals for the New Year, please do not hesitate to get moving. This is something we all can do together. Let’s get started and make 2016 a great year!!!


Vashonte James, MSW, LCSW

The Health Benefits of Yoga and Its Stress Reducing Capacity

The practice of yoga has endured for thousands of years and is noted primarily for its ability to increase bodily flexibility and focused awareness. This focused awareness, achieved through breath work and bodily attunement, is a form of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of focusing attention on the present moment without judgment. Thus, yoga is a dual practice of body and mind work. The key to yogic benefit is to perform a well-formulated sequence of postures, called asanas, with long hold times.

Yoga has been shown to have a number of health benefits.  Yoga can enhance weight loss and help maintain weight over time. Because yoga increases mindfulness, mindfulness promotes a better relationship with food where food is savored and urges for emotional eating can be better managed. The inner focus associated with yoga can promote a healthier body image that is less encumbered with critical evaluation.  Decreases in blood pressure, lower cholesterol and lower blood glucose (sugar) are the cardiovascular benefits associated with practicing yoga. The overall fitness benefits of yoga include increased endurance, muscle strength and balance.

Yoga also has neuroscience benefits that only recently have been explained.  For simplicity sake, let’s divide the brains response to stress along two reactive systems – the emotional reaction and the logical reaction.  The emotional reaction to stress is the activating response that turns on the body’s emotions (fear, anger, etc.) and stress hormones (adrenalin and cortisol). The logical reaction to stress does the opposite. It tries to turn the stress signal off and relax the emotions and body.  The pathways of both these systems are located in various parts of the body.

Yoga activates both of these pathways through the engagement of postures or asanas. When a posture is held, the logical system is activated as one focuses on the position. When the body bends forward, relaxation is ignited through bodily nerve pathways. So, bending forward while concentrating forces the logical brain to increase at the same time relaxation is increased producing enhancement of both. When the body bends backward, the logical system is engaged but the contracted muscles produce a stress response. Now, the logical system is challenged to overcome the stress response. The process of overcoming the stress response strengthens the logical system in the presence of stress, thus improving overall and long-term stress reduction.  Practicing yoga regularly helps rewire the brains circuitry to improve and increase the connections to the logical system making it easier to manage stress.  In terms of behavior, this means that negative thinking is better controlled and minimized and negative mood states (anxiety and depression) are reduced.  For these reasons, yoga has successfully been used in the treatment of trauma and is being explored for its use in cardiac and cancer treatments, all of which are affected by stress.

Submitted By Holly Houston, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Beating the Holiday Blues

‘Tis the Season...for joy, happiness, and time spent with friends and family. ‘Tis also the season for stress, anxiety, loneliness, and exhaustion. While we are excited about the holidays, and may often look forward to the season, we also are overwhelmed by the many festivities and obligations. We’re busy attending holiday programs and concerts, cooking and baking, decorating, cleaning, hosting company, and of course shopping. It is extremely easy to get lost in the daily shuffle of it all, which can cause us to feel stressed and anxious. The season that we were so excited about has now become dreaded, and we can’t wait for it to be over with.

This is the tug of war we play every year. We don’t need to. We become so caught up in the process of it all that we forget why we’re doing it. We forget that we enjoy the holidays because of the joy and happiness we (hopefully) experience when we spend special time with our friends and family. That if it wasn’t for those people in our lives, there would be no need for baking and cooking, shopping, or decorating, and there would be no holiday programs to attend. The holiday season was never meant to be the source of stress; we have created that ourselves through the generations.

Make the season become once again about celebration. Change your thinking pattern. Rather than dreading another holiday work party, consider the fact that while you are at a work function absolutely no work is expected of you. Decorate the house if it makes you happy to do so, but don’t put up more that you’ll want to take down later. Let baking and cooking become a family tradition that you can do with your children, and let there be something special about it like singing songs or bringing a plate over to an elderly neighbor. Learn your limits and abide by them. Sometimes things are better when they are simpler. And never forget that excitement you felt for the holidays when you were a child.

The holidays can be a very stressful time for many, but only if we allow it to be.

Kelly Renzi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Creating a Plan for Coping with Holiday Stress

For a great many people, the falling leaves and cooler temperatures are a sure sign that the holidays are on the way.   This time of year can be marked by a great deal of stress and depression for a great many people, no matter holidays you celebrate.  Whether it’s because of the added pressures of entertaining, the financial prospect of gift-giving, or the missing of family members that are not around, these holiday months can carry a great deal of negative emotions for many of us.  Add to that the darkening skies and shorter days, and it’s no wonder that many people dread this time of year.  It’s important to remember, however, that we are not victims to this feeling and we do have control over how we feel this season.  Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind as you try to reduce your holiday stress and depression.

First off, it’s important to remember that many of the stressors that we experience around the holidays are self-induced.  There is a lot of pressure for many people to make this “the best holiday ever”.  It’s a message that is fed to us starting November 1st when all the television commercials tell us all the things we need to make the most of our holiday.  This often leads to feeling that we need to have the best gifts, the tastiest meals, the cleanest home, and the perfect holiday.  Not only does this cause a great deal financial stress, but striving to make something “perfect” can lead us to feel negative when we don’t meet our unrealistic expectations.  It’s important to appropriately prioritize your holiday goals and ensure they are goals that can be reasonable met.  Keep your holiday expectations realistic!  If you’re holiday goals are met, then you had just the holiday you wanted and if they go beyond your expectations then it’s a bonus!

The financial factors of the holiday season are often the most stressful for individuals and families.  Gift-giving has become our way of showing those around us how much we love and appreciate them.  Unfortunately for many of us, we simply don’t have enough to give all that we want.  When we push our finances beyond their limit, it causes a great deal of stress and fear for the future.  The best way to ensure that this doesn't happen this year is to set a firm and comfortable budget- and stick to it!  Find ways to reduce your budget by making thoughtful gifts for your friends and family.  Websites like Pinterest are full of ideas on how to create wonderful gifts from your home.  When in doubt, consider whether a gift is going to do more positives for the recipient than harm and stress to the giver.

This time of year is also the perfect time to practice and recall the stress management techniques that you've used in the past. No matter how busy we get around the holidays, it’s important to remember to take time out for our own mental health.  Meditating, doing yoga, or practicing guided imagery techniques are just a few ways that we can take a couple of minutes to press the reset button on our day and relax.  If those activities aren't your style of relaxing, then find one that works for you.  No matter what the activity, it’s important to spend at least 30 minutes a day taking time to relax and reboot.

Finally, one of the reasons that some people get depressed around the holidays has to do with the loved ones that are not around.  Whatever the reason that they are not with you, the most important thing to focus on is those loved ones who are present in your life.  Focus your time and energy on appreciating the positive times you have with the friends and family that you interact with this holiday season.  Try to frame your mind in positive thoughts, and let memories from previous holidays be a happy photo album and not a depressing slideshow.  If your depressed feelings become too strong or you’re not sure if you will be able to deal with them, then don’t hesitate to contact a professional counselor or someone else who can help you cope with your emotions.

We have the power to decide what kind of holiday season we want to have.  We can choose to be stressed, overwhelmed, and disappointed or we can choose to joyful, relaxed, and fulfilled.  This year, make the conscious decision to avoid the ghosts of holidays past and take control of mood.

Happy Holidays!

William Knor, LCPC
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Choosing Values to Reduce Stress

There are always situations in which there are many potential responses. Often times, one may be uncertain how best to proceed, uncertain which response will deliver the most desirable outcome.  Sometimes we evaluate a situation based on what we would like to achieve, or how we would like to feel about ourselves. Othertimes, we may choose a response based on how it will affect the other person.  The complexity of this process can be overwhelming. Often times, we make our choice without much thought or awareness. Yet other times, we are so painfully aware, that we may become paralyzed by the options.  

I was recently in such a situation.  I was on a flight during which I accidentally saw that the person next to me was texting to one of her contacts. I was not intentionally snooping or trying to eavesdrop. But what I saw made my heart fall. This seatmate of mine was using hurtful, negative language to discuss her displeasure of sitting next to me. In fact, it was not my actions that incited her words, rather it was my figure that she found displeasing.  I was hurt by her words and struggled to decide how to respond.

I had many thoughts as to how I should respond. I thought about leaning over and informing her that I could see her screen, unsure whether I should comment on the content I was able to see. I thought about loudly telling my travel partner what I had just read. I even thought about using negative, hurtful language towards her, acknowledging her hurtful words and the anger which they had stirred inside of me. 

In the end, I chose kindness. I did not address the woman about the words that I accidentally read on her screen.  I am not certain that this absence of a response was the correct response, and at times, I wonder whether I should have done something differently. However, at this point in time, it is a moot point. The time to act has passed. I cannot go back and change my response.  However, I am content with my choice. I did not respond with anger, although I certainly felt angry. I did not respond with unkind words, which would have not done anything to improve the situation or world. I did not seek to make this person feel bad, as she made me feel.

I choose to respond with kindness, as I chose to define it in that moment.  I responded using my values of treating others kindly and to do no harm. My definition of kindness here may differ from others, and may even differ from my own definition on another occasions, but this is the definition on which I based my response.  I was not certain of the best way to change the situation for the better, to educate this person about the ramification of their actions. I did know that I did not want to cause pain, embarrassment, or shame for this person. I have experienced those emotions and did not want to be the cause of those feelings for someone else. With all the options available to me, I chose what would not bring shame to myself. I chose to be kind and not to potentially create feelings of shame and embarrassment to this woman.  

Karen Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist