Choosing Values to Reduce Stress

There are always situations in which there are many potential responses. Often times, one may be uncertain how best to proceed, uncertain which response will deliver the most desirable outcome.  Sometimes we evaluate a situation based on what we would like to achieve, or how we would like to feel about ourselves. Othertimes, we may choose a response based on how it will affect the other person.  The complexity of this process can be overwhelming. Often times, we make our choice without much thought or awareness. Yet other times, we are so painfully aware, that we may become paralyzed by the options.  

I was recently in such a situation.  I was on a flight during which I accidentally saw that the person next to me was texting to one of her contacts. I was not intentionally snooping or trying to eavesdrop. But what I saw made my heart fall. This seatmate of mine was using hurtful, negative language to discuss her displeasure of sitting next to me. In fact, it was not my actions that incited her words, rather it was my figure that she found displeasing.  I was hurt by her words and struggled to decide how to respond.

I had many thoughts as to how I should respond. I thought about leaning over and informing her that I could see her screen, unsure whether I should comment on the content I was able to see. I thought about loudly telling my travel partner what I had just read. I even thought about using negative, hurtful language towards her, acknowledging her hurtful words and the anger which they had stirred inside of me. 

In the end, I chose kindness. I did not address the woman about the words that I accidentally read on her screen.  I am not certain that this absence of a response was the correct response, and at times, I wonder whether I should have done something differently. However, at this point in time, it is a moot point. The time to act has passed. I cannot go back and change my response.  However, I am content with my choice. I did not respond with anger, although I certainly felt angry. I did not respond with unkind words, which would have not done anything to improve the situation or world. I did not seek to make this person feel bad, as she made me feel.

I choose to respond with kindness, as I chose to define it in that moment.  I responded using my values of treating others kindly and to do no harm. My definition of kindness here may differ from others, and may even differ from my own definition on another occasions, but this is the definition on which I based my response.  I was not certain of the best way to change the situation for the better, to educate this person about the ramification of their actions. I did know that I did not want to cause pain, embarrassment, or shame for this person. I have experienced those emotions and did not want to be the cause of those feelings for someone else. With all the options available to me, I chose what would not bring shame to myself. I chose to be kind and not to potentially create feelings of shame and embarrassment to this woman.  

Karen Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Increased Anxiety and Depression on the Anniversary of Loss or Trauma

On the anniversary of a loss or traumatic event, thoughts and feelings about the experience may be reactivated, with a resulting increase in symptoms of anxiety, grief or depression. People are likely to remember the event more clearly and experience the associated emotions much more sharply. This is a natural and normal part of healing from loss and trauma, although it can be quite distressing.

The symptoms anniversary reactions provoke are the same ones that the person may have experienced at the time of the loss: sadness, tearfulness, loss of appetite, trouble falling or staying asleep, nightmares, irritability, difficulty concentrating, feeling disconnected or detached from others.  Reliving these emotions are part of the healing process and actually facilitates recovery from the event. Everyone grieves differently, however, and not everyone reacts in the same manner. Some may not experience anniversary reactions at all, which is also completely normal.

For those who do experience an intensification of mourning on anniversaries, the American Psychological Association Disaster Response Network recommends some coping strategies that help:

Recognize and acknowledge feelings you may experience. Understand that your feelings are part of the recovery process.

Find healthy ways to cope with your distress. Share memories and feelings with someone you trust or just spend time with friends and family. Activities that allow your mind to focus on something other than these memories are a good coping strategy for some people. Contemplative activities like reading, thinking or just taking a walk are also a good approach. Avoid reactions that become part of the problem such as drinking or using drugs.

Engage in an activity that honors lost loved ones. You may want to plant a tree in their memory, make a donation to their favorite charity, participate in activities your loved one would have enjoyed or share happy memories with others. Consider volunteering; you may find that helping others actually helps you. 

Use your support system. Reach out to friends and family. Don’t isolate yourself. 

Some people will also benefit from speaking to a psychotherapist about their experiences. Psychotherapy may take many forms but will probably involved talking about the event or the loved one and learning new ways of thinking about and managing thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are associated with the experience. To learn more about this and other topics about your mental health you may visit www.apa.org.

Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.

The Winter Blues - Tips for Reducing Seasonal Depression

As the final weeks of September creep in, the weather has begun to cool off.  With the cooling temperatures comes the sure sign that fall is not far behind: falling leaves, football, hoodies, and pumpkin spice lattes.  For those who enjoy the fall season, it’s a fun and exciting time, but for those who dread the dark and dreary winter coming it can be a time of anxiety and concern that negative feels are soon to follow. 

There are a great many people in the U.S. who suffer from depressive symptoms that set in as the calendar turns from September to October and November.  As the days get shorter and the nighttime comes earlier, it’s easier to get stuck in the negative feelings that come with the loss of warm, comforting weather.  The medical community refers to this as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and while not everyone feels the symptoms severely enough to warrant a diagnosis, most of us can relate to needing a little boost during this time of year. 

Here are some tips that you can use to help battle the dreary feelings associated with this time of year:

1.     Recognize the symptoms- The most important place to begin is to understand the symptoms of SAD.  The most common symptoms include trouble getting out of bed, losing motivation to do this, no longer having interest in things you used to love, changes in appetite, difficulty focusing, and an inability to think clearly.  These symptoms appear in cycle in SAD, meaning that you won’t really feel them any time other than the fall and winter months.  So if you’re a ball of energy in June, but a puddle January, you may be experiencing SAD symptoms.

2.     Let in the Sun- Part of the reason that we experience depressive symptoms during this time of year is that we have less exposure to sunlight as the days get shorter.  You’re mind and body are in tune with world around you, so when you don’t see as much sun, your mood is bleaker and down.  You can challenge this by increase the amount of sunlight you’re exposed to.  Throw open the shades, wake up earlier to enjoy the sun, and replace the dark paint with some brighter, vibrant colors.  It may even help to move the furniture around so that your couch and bed are in directly sunlight.

3.     Actively engage in things you enjoy-  While our energy level during this time of year can be low, it’s important to force ourselves to be active to combat these depressive symptoms.  Now is a great time to plan activities, even if our motivation might be less than great.  In most cases, you’ll find that once you get out of the house, your energy returns to its previous, summertime state.  If you’re able, you may even want to schedule a vacation during these winter months instead of using it all up during the summer.

4.     Be actively healthy- When our energy level is low health factors often fall by the wayside, which contributes to our depression.  Instead of feeling like its too cold out to hit the gym, force yourself to try and get in a workout.  Avoid those unhealthy fast food meals just because they’re easier and make the effort to eat a little healthier.  Your body will be boosted by the increased efforts to be healthy, and your mind will follow close behind.

5.     Check out light therapy- Some client’s who suffer from SAD find it helpful to utilize light therapy in an effort to improve their mood.  Light therapy involves using a device that emits light closer that emitted by the sun in an effort to help your mind and body forget about the drab conditions outside.  There are several devices available—from battery-powered visors, portable light boxes and special light bulbs, to dawn simulators (lamps that switch on before dawn and gradually light your room, like the sun rising)—but be cautious and talk to your health care provider before trying light therapy.

6.     If all else fails, get help- SAD is a common condition that affects people, particularly those living in the Midwest where the winters are long and cold.  It can also be a serious one that causes significant stress in our daily lives.  If you’ve tried all these and other techniques with little improvement, don’t hesitate to seek clinical help from your doctor or from a counselor like the ones at the Anxiety & Stress Center!

Just because the weather is bleak outside, doesn’t mean that we have to match it with our feelings inside.  If you feel like you have less motivation and energy during the winter months, be active in challenging it.  With these tips, you can help to ensure that the season doesn’t dictate your mood!

William Knor, LCPC

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

We Are What We Think

The clever ways that life lessons are imparted in parables can make the consideration of their complex meanings an enjoyable, if not absorbing, pasttime. While browsing various media sources, I have often come across this Cherokee parable. Its application to the basic tenet of cogitive psychotherapy (the way we think affects the way we feel) and the wisdom of self-understanding is substantial. The parable alludes to the consequences of what we exposure our minds to in the form of thoughts. When we think positively, we are likely to have greater well-being and feel good. When we think negatively, we are likely to have dimnished well-being and feel bad. Thus, we are what we think.

Two Wolves: A Cherokee Teaching

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf is evil -- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one you feed".

Submitted by Holly Houston, Ph.D.                                                                                              
Licensed Clinical Psychologist                                                                                  

The Impact of Stress on Memory

Have you ever noticed that when you’re trying to hurry up with something, it often takes longer to accomplish? You overslept and had to rush through the morning routine to get to work or the kids to school, and you can’t find your keys. You can find a million shoes, but none of them match. Or worse yet, you get to work and realize you forgot your briefcase at home.

The answer to this phenomenon is simple. It’s stress. This may seem like a crutch or an excuse, but it is real. Multiple studies throughout the years have confirmed that stress and anxiety increase cortisol levels in the brain, leading to decreased number of synapses (the connections between neurons) in the pre-frontal cortex where short-term memory is controlled. Stress has also been found to increase white matter in the brain which leads to a reduction in the number of neurons which assist with memory processing.

The bad news here is that if we never do anything to reduce our levels of stress, our brain functioning will only decline. Lack of attention and concentration also associated with stress will confound forgetfulness. However, there is good news. Not only can stress-related memory loss be reversed, it can be prevented by taking the following steps:

• Establish a sleep routine. Not everyone requires 8 hours of sleep; some need less and some need more. However much you require to function at your fullest (generally at least 7 hours) should be regular. Go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time.
• Exercise regularly. The body recognizes exercise as stress because it is different than our regular relaxed state and temporarily will actually increase cortisol levels. However, with regular exercise, this effect is decreased and the body no longer perceives exercise as stress. This leads to less production of cortisol and hence a stronger ability to respond to stress.
• Breathe. Practice deep breathing exercises to increase oxygen flow to the brain. This will facilitate a more relaxed feeling but also allow for better attention and concentration.
• Keep it in perspective. We all experience stress in ways that are both acute and chronic. Remind yourself to take a step back and consider how important this particular stressor is in the grand scheme of things.
• Laugh and have fun. Laughter increases your intake of oxygen, stimulates yours cardiovascular system, and increases endorphins.  Engaging in enjoyable activities can also foster a sense of well-being and socialization.

So next time you notice you are feeling stressed and forgetful, take a deep breath, exercise, laugh, and sleep. And remember, tomorrow will be better.

Kelly Renzi, PsyD

But I Thought I was Better... Coping with Recurring Stress

So often we assume that once we get past the rough spot we find ourselves in, that it will be smooth sailing going forward.  Unfortunately, so often we find ourselves mistaken.  While the mindset of “I just have to get through this” can be helpful in the moment, it can set us up for feelings of disappointment and failure later. 

Emotions and stress are like waves in the ocean… they build, peak, and recede, only to be followed by another.   We have little to no control over our emotions; no more than we have any control over the waves in the ocean.  Emotions happen naturally, whether we wish them to occur or not. Not often does one say “I wish I were depressed.” Rather, depression (or any other emotion) occurs, sometimes despite our best efforts.  “But I wasn’t depressed (anxious, angry, etc.) anymore, and now it’s back; what did I do wrong?”  Likely, nothing. That can be the nature of the emotion, as troublesome as it may be. So what can you do? 

Simple answer- Cope.

What it means to cope will vary from person to person.  But whatever that means to you, do it. If it means making sure you are exercising regularly, do it. If it means that you are attending yoga weekly, do it. If it means spending quality time with friends and family, do it.  If it means scheduling an appointment with your previous therapist, DO IT. 

Having to cope with a previously overcome emotion is not failure.   It is life. Emotions come and go. Sometimes we need boosters.  While we cannot control the rain that falls in our life, we can control how we cope with the rain.  We can pretend that it is not there… We can try to dart between buildings getting brief reprieves from the wet onslaught. We can dig in our bags and pull out our umbrella and hope it is big enough to keep us from becoming drenched. And sometimes, we need to ask for help and seek refuge until the storm passes.  We are powerless to control whether or not it rains, or whether or not we experience a specific emotion, but what IS in our control is how we respond to it.  

Karen Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Creating a Successful Relationship

John Gottman, Ph.D. is widely recognized as the pre-eminent researcher and teacher of marital therapy. His research, conducted over a 40 year period at the University of Washington in Seattle, has led to the most comprehensive and evidence-based theoretical and practical understanding of the dynamics of what makes couples succeed or fail and what works to help couples get back on track. This research has revealed what it takes to “make marriage work”: managing conflict, increasing emotional connection and supporting each partner’s dreams. The following long quote from the Gottman Institute’s website (www.gottman.com) distills the essential components of creating relationships that last by paying attention to what they call The Sound Relationship House, or the nine aspects of successful relationships:

Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes?

Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)

Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.

The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.

Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.

Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.

Trust: this is the state that occurs when a person knows that his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s interests, and maximize that person’s benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this means, “my partner has my back and is there for me.”

Commitment: This means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is completely your lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it). It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing gratitude by comparing the partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities, and nurturing resentment by comparing unfavorably with real or imagined others.

Combining the knowledge and wisdom of nearly forty years of studies and clinical practice, Gottman Method Couples Therapy helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Through research-based interventions and exercises, it is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s study of more than 3,000 couples. This research shows what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed out of this research to help partners:

•   Increase respect, affection, and closeness

•   Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck

•   Generate greater understanding between partners

•   Keep conflict discussions calm

https://www.gottman.com/about-gottman-method-couples-therapy/

 Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.