Most people are familiar with the concept of self-esteem
and understand that high self-esteem is associated with success in work and
relationships and a lower risk of mental health issues like anxiety and
depression while low self-esteem is associated with problematic relationships,
lowered success at work and a higher risk of mental health problems. As a
result of the research on the impact of self-esteem of happiness and success,
much attention has been paid in recent years to how to raise self-esteem in
children and adults.
Some researchers (e.g., Neff, K 2011; Hayes, S. 2014),
however, have begun to question whether attempts to raise self-esteem may be
misdirected and have proposed that self-compassion may play a bigger role than
self-esteem in promoting happiness and success and preventing (and
ameliorating) mental health problems. Attempts to raise self-esteem
artificially, through increased levels of praise and affirmation may result in
narcissistic self-absorption and dependence on continuous validations by self
and others, as well as a tendency toward negative self-evaluation in the face
of failure. It may be that self-esteem and success are associated because
success results in improved self esteem rather than the other way around. Self-esteem
can be dependent on life conditions, that is, when one is doing well
self-esteem remains high but in the face of failure, self-esteem may tumble.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, is equally useful in times of success or
failure in life.
According to Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,
self-compassion consists of three elements:
“First it requires self-kindness,
that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical
and judgmental.
Second, it requires recognition
of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience
of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering.
Third, it requires mindfulness—that
we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or
exaggerating it.”
Treating ourselves with kindness rather than beating up on
ourselves for every failure and flaw helps to alleviate the negative thinking
that is especially associated with anxiety and depression. In the same way,
seeing ourselves as one with the rest of humanity in our imperfection rather
than the lone screw-up who never gets anything right, helps us to bear the
inevitable suffering that every human being encounters. Learning to think about
ourselves this way leads not only to a lessening of the negative internal
dialogue and a brighter, more realistic outlook on ourselves but also opens a
path to increased connection with others.
Achieving such a perspective on the self requires that we
are able to be mindfully aware of our painful thoughts and feelings, attempting
neither to repress our emotions or becoming completely caught up with them. We
can acknowledge and accept our negative feelings and our failures without
self-criticism and with the belief that our lives and our selves are still
valuable and worthwhile. As Stephan Hayes put it, “…we humbly accept our place
as one amongst our fellow human beings, mindfully acknowledging that we all
have self-doubt, we all suffer, we all fail from time to time, but none of that
means we can't live a life of meaning, purpose, and compassion for ourselves
and others.”
Hayes, S., 2014. Is
Self-Compassion More Important Than Self-Esteem?
Neff, K., 2011. Why
Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion
Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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