Disagree Better: Reducing Stress by Avoiding Fights in Communication with Others

One of the most common causes of stress living in a social world is the disagreements that we can have with others throughout the day.  Whether it is with a spouse, a coworker, a family member, or a child, disagreements are a natural part of communicating our individual opinions.  Stress enters into this world when disagreements turn into fights.  As our conversations decline to fighting, most of us feel the anxiety that comes from having to defend ourselves and the anger that often accompanies it.  We can avoid these feelings if we learn to disagree better! 

In order to avoid fights, we first have to identify some of the pitfalls that get us from civil disagreements to all out brawls.  Being dismissive of others is a common complaint that often heats up a conversation.  If we don’t take the time to listen to the other person and at least consider their perspective, then it is natural for them to get angry and not afford us the same luxury.  This pitfall is a sign of disrespect that no one appreciates.  Another trap that people fall into is letting the focus of the disagreement get away from them.  We often begin a discord on one topic, but end up fighting about every little thing that has every annoyed us about the other person.  We need to learn to stay on topic and not bring up any previous slight that we’re hanging on to- those are best discussed at a separate time.  A third pitfall is when we attack every argument with the same energy and gusto no matter what the topic.  It is important to learn to pick our battles.  Knowing that we’re trying to avoid fighting, we need to ask ourselves “is this fight really worth the stress that it will bring me”.  If the answer is no, then we need to have the strength and courage to move on.

When we get involved in an argument, we are often so wrapped up in our own feelings that we forget that the other party in the discord is feeling similarly.  Empathy can be your biggest weapon in defusing fights before they occur.  While we cling to our own perspectives, it is helpful to consider the perspective of your sparring partner.  Are they as passionate about the topic as you are?  Do they have some emotional connection to this topic?  If we try to understand the perspective of the other person, it often leads us to a better grasp on why this fight is occurring.  Even if we continue to disagree, empathetic disagreements often avoid some of those pitfalls that lead to fights.

It is also important to realize this simply fact: you can’t have a fight with only one person.  We often feel like we need to defend our position and fight when challenged, but the reality is that this is not the case.  If we are working to avoid the stress caused by fights, then the best weapon we have is the ability to avoid fighting altogether.  Learn to avoid hot button topics that you know usually lead to fighting.  Make efforts to eliminate people from your life who thrive on consistent conflict.  Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to participate in an argument just because someone else wants to fight with you.  This technique is particularly important for parents of teenagers who often seek out conflict as they search for their own identify. 

If an argument seems inevitable, there are methods to assert your feelings in a way that can disarm your partner and reduce the stress involved.  First off, try to use “I statements” as much as possible.  “I statements” are a way of taking ownership of our feelings and problems and avoid throwing blame at others.  Instead of saying, “You make me so angry when you don’t listen” why not try, “I feel like we’re not communicating well together”.  The new statement feels less like a jab and more like an issue that we can solve together.  Secondly, make sure you identify the change that you want to happen.  Going into an argument with no clear plan of solution puts added stress on both parties.  If you don’t know what change you want, perhaps that’s something you should consider before addressing the issue. Finally, try not to generalize your thoughts with words like “never”, “always”, or “only”.  It's much more effective to say "I rarely get to go to parties, and I'd really like to go to this one." than to shout about how "You NEVER let me go ANYWHERE! I'm going to be the ONLY person not there!"

By learning to disagree better, we can reduce a great deal of stress from our daily lives.  If we can be empathetic, avoid common pitfalls of arguments, utilize “I statements”, and be clear about the change we want to see then we can live happier lives with less conflict and more pleasant communication.

Bill Knor, LCPC

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Stress and the Internet: Unhealthy Internet Use

The internet is an extremely useful tool that has reshaped our lives. We can gather a variety of information at lightening speed, establish new relationships and reestablish old social contacts, make purchases ranging from minor to significant, watch movies, peruse various educational videos, gamble and listen to music. Easy access to the internet world can be obtained from smart phones, computers, and tablets. The cyber universe is immense and is literally at our finger tips. For some, the internet allure encourages unhealthy use.

Unhealthy internet use is characterized by spending so much time on the internet that other important activities are neglected such as work, academic responsibilities, relationships or anything else that is important. Some people use the internet to deal with painful emotions such as depression, loneliness, anxiety and stress. Immersing oneself in the internet to avoid dealing with life's problems can temporarily soothe the discomfort but does little to resolve the problem in the long run. Excessive internet use can worsen the experience of stress, loneliness and isolation. Physical symptoms associated with excessive internet use include: carpal tunnel syndrome, dry eyes or strained vision, sleep disturbances, severe headaches, back and neck aches.

There are a number of different types of internet addictions. They are:
Computer Addiction-using the computer excessively to play games or to do computer programming
Information Overload-obsessively searching the web such that work performance and relationships with family and friend are affected.
Net Compulsions-compulsive online use of gaming, gambling, trading stock, or use of auction sites
Cybersex Addiction-excessive use of internet pornography, adult chat rooms or sexual fantasy role play sites such that real life relationships are affected.
Cyber-Relationship Addiction-excessive use of social networking, chat rooms etc. where real life relationships take a back seat.

The warning signs that internet use is a problem are not the same for everyone. There is no set number of minutes or hours that define internet addiction. However, there are some common warning signs:

* loosing track of time while online
* isolation from family and friends
* not getting done and completing responsibilities at work or home
* feeling guilty or acting defensively about internet use
* feeling euphoric when engaged in internet activities

If you recognize that your or a family member's internet use is a problem, there are several things that can be done to address the problem. First, if there is an underlying problem, like depression or anxiety, for which internet use is attempting to soothe, treatment dealing directly with the problem is needed. Second, if the internet is a way to de-stress or is used as a way to connect to people due to shyness, then additional coping resources must be established i.e. relaxation strategies or social skills practice. Third, the more activities and social relationships that engage one's time, the less will be the urge to turn to the internet. Finally, cognitive-behavioral therapy, provided by a mental health professional, can help teach the skills necessary to cope with internet addiction and healthier ways to handle distressing emotions.

Submitted by Holly O. Houston, Ph.D.   Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Adapted from Internet & Computer Addiction at HelpGuide.org

De-Stress Your Sleep: Managing Insomnia

Insomnia affects as much as 40% of the population in a year, as many as a third of adults suffer sleep disorders at some time in their lives and 10-20% of the adult population suffers from chronic sleep disturbance. Sleep disruption can result from environmental factors, everyday stress, medical issues, mental health disorders and substance use. In a few people, insomnia is a primary disorder, one that is not associated with another medical or mental health disorder but most people who suffer from insomnia have a related disorder. Many medical disorders, including heart disease, diabetes, allergies and hormonal fluctuations, may affect sleep. Ingestion of stimulants, like caffeine and nicotine, prescribed medications and recreational substances, including alcohol, may all disrupt sleep. Mental health disorders, especially anxiety and depressive disorders, may both cause and be exacerbated by sleep disturbance.

Sleep difficulties may manifest as an inability to fall asleep (initial insomnia), frequent awakening (middle insomnia) and/or early awakening (terminal insomnia). Initial insomnia is often associated with anxiety, ingestion of stimulating substances and food, stimulating activities (like television and computer use) and/or exercise too close to bedtime. Both middle and terminal insomnia are often associated with depression and may be exacerbated by alcohol and drug use and withdrawal. Alcohol and some drugs may initially induce sleep, only to disrupt sleep cycles or cause awakening later on. Withdrawal from substances, especially alcohol, benzodiazepines and opioids, may cause sleep disruption long after acute withdrawal symptoms subside.

Normal sleep is divided into two types: REM (rapid eye movement) and NREM (non-rapid eye movement or quiet sleep); NREM sleep is further divided into four stages, from light to progressively deeper. During quiet sleep, the physical body is rejuvenated through tissue repair and regeneration, bone and muscle growth and strengthening of the immune system. REM sleep is characterized by dreaming and increased brain activity accompanied by muscular paralysis. Cycles of sleep lasting about 90 minutes alternate between NREM and REM sleep, with REM sleep cycles gradually lengthening from about 10 minutes in the first cycle to as long as an hour at the end of sleep. The function of REM sleep is not completely understood but seems to be related to learning, emotions and stress management.

Primary insomnia can be treated with sleep hygiene and cognitive-behavioral interventions. (See our website for sleep hygiene tips: http://www.anxiety-stresscenter.com/stress/sleep-hygiene). Insomnia associated with another medical or mental health disorder should include treatment of the primary disorder as well as direct treatment of the insomnia. A positive synergy is created with the treatment of both the primary disorder and sleep problems: reducing other symptoms of anxiety and depression will generally lead to better sleep and improving sleep will usually improve other symptoms of anxiety and depression. A number of approaches to managing insomnia can help:

•       General health guidelines for diet and exercise will also help insomnia. A healthy diet, reduced use of stimulants and alcohol, and 30 minutes of aerobic exercise are all associated with improved sleep.
•       A relaxing bedtime routine will help you fall asleep more easily. Turning off the computer, taking a warm bath, soothing music, prayer or reading, and a warm drink may all help you relax and let your body know it is time to prepare for sleep. Think about what routines would help you relax most and repeat these nightly.
•       Stimulus control: re-learning to associate being in bed with being asleep rather than with being awake. If you can’t fall asleep within 10-15 minutes, get up and go to another spot, engage in a relaxing activity and return to bed only when sleepy. Allow another 10-15 minutes in bed to fall asleep and leave the bed again if you still don’t sleep. Repeat as often as necessary to result in sleep and be patient: it may take several nights of this process to re-learn a positive association between bed and sleep. The association bed and being awake was learned over a long period of time so it may take days or weeks to reverse it.
•       Relaxation therapy: Reducing levels of arousal during the day and at night will result in improved sleep. Progressive muscle relaxation, imagery, meditation and relaxing exercise like hatha yoga can all reduce arousal and improve sleep. Activities like reading, listening to music, crafts and games may help you relax and fall asleep, as long as they are not too exciting. Television may help some people relax but beware of getting caught up in a program and staying up to finish it. Both television and music interfere with sleep if left on so use a sleep timer or, even better, only use these in another room. Computer use and work activities generally have an arousing effect and should be avoided right before bed and when trying to return to sleep.
•       Cognitive intervention: On your own or with a therapist, examine your own thoughts and beliefs about sleep and insomnia, challenging the validity and adaptiveness of your beliefs and replacing them with ideas that are more evidence-based and useful in facilitating restful sleep.
•       Medical intervention: Medications may be useful in some cases to disrupt insomnia and re-establish sleep/wake cycles and when used in conjunction with sleep hygiene. Discuss which medications may be best for you and your sleep symptoms with your medical provider.

 Nancy R. Soro, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Reducing Stress: Accepting the Limits of Our Control

In today’s society, we live under the illusion of control. This illusion begins from a very young age in which we are taught that we control the world around us.  We learned that our actions had effects on the world around us.  We realized that if we cried or screamed, we were fed or our diapers were changed. And in many ways, this feeling of control continued throughout our lives. In many ways, we can control the world around us. If we are cold, we put on a sweater or turn up the heat.  If we have a headache, we can lie down or take an aspirin. 

However, this line of thinking can become problematic when we over-generalize our ability to control the world around us. Most notably, when we try to control others around us. We have all had that moment in which someone was not doing something to our expectations and have become frustrated. We all have tried to change others, and many may have had varying degrees of success. Some have asked a friend to stop calling at all hours of the night and have been successful, or we may have asked our partner to tell us when the milk has run out, and have run into frustration when, once again, we have no milk for our morning cereal. 

When it comes to controlling the world around us, we are able to manipulate some parts of the environment to our liking, such as temperature of the room or setting. However, there may be several elements or our environment that may also be out of our realm of control, such as outdoor temperature or climate conditions.

When it comes to controlling others, we may be able to ask for what we want or need, encourage, or make suggestions, however, we cannot control another person. They must make the choice as to whether or not they desire to act in accordance to our wishes. We feel successful when others act in accordance, however, that was their choice, even if we made the suggestion.

Should someone choose to disregard our wishes, whether because they do not have the time, the ability, or the desire, we have a few options to be able to manage that situation.

We can make sure to clearly and calmly communicate our needs to them, including why we need them to fulfill this need, as well as the outcome. For example, we might tell our forgetful partner “I need to know when the milk is gone so that I can buy more so that I can eat breakfast in the morning. If I don’t eat breakfast, I can’t take my medication.”

We can choose to change our perspective of the situation. We can change the way in which we are viewing the situation, or the assumptions we are making. For example, instead of viewing the situation as “My friend has no consideration for my feelings,” we might instead take the perspective of “My friend must have a lot on their mind right now.”

We can determine what in the situation IS within our control. While we do not have the power to control the behavior and actions of others, we do have the ability to control our own behaviors, and make changes to our actions. What can we do differently or change to make the situation more palatable to ourselves?  Perhaps we can check how much milk is left regularly, or have additional breakfast options available that do not require milk.  Perhaps we can silence our phones before going to bed to avoid being woken by our friend’s 2 a.m. phone calls.

Finally, we can choose to accept the situation as it is. We can accept the limits of our control and recognize that others have the freedom to make their own choices. We can let go of our efforts to change others or the situation and accept the situation for what it is, for better or worse, as well as accepting our feelings about a situation. We can accept that a situation is not ideal, while also accepting that we may not be able to do anything to change it, either.

Submitted by Karen M. Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist 

De-Stress Yourself: How Music Can be Used to Reduce Stress and Increase Positive Emotions

In the battle against stress and anxiety, there are a number of great tricks and skills that can be used to help us feel safer and more comfortable.  While many may immediately come to mind (breathing, exercise, a good night’s sleep, etc.), the use of music as a de-stressor is one that we often overlook.  While we may go out of our way to search for things that make us feel better, music is a tool that is very easily accessible and has the power to aid in relaxing both our mind and our body.

A large amount of research has been conducted regarding the effects of music on both the psychological and physiological well-being of all types of people.  The studies show a great number of ways that beautiful tones create a calming environment for those suffering from a wide range of afflictions; from cancer to stress and almost everything between.  The use of classical and other peaceful types of music has been shown to slow the pulse and heart rate of the listener.  In addition, this music has been shown to reduce high blood pressure and decrease the amount of stress hormone produced by the brain.  By causing these physical reactions, peaceful music helps to calm the listener. Classical music has even been shown to increase the production of serotonin which can help fight depression, anxiety, panic, and anger.

Classical music is not the only type of music that affects our health and well-being.  The way that music affects a person is completely individual and based on our own personal experiences.  Some people find solace in the golden oldies their parents listened to growing up while others seek comfort in the silk of smooth jazz.  Some are uplifted by the positive message of pop music while others feel energized by the thunderous beat of rock-n-roll.  Musical styles affect everyone differently, and it is very important to know how music affects you before trying to use it to reduce your stress. 

In order to know which styles of music help you reduce stress, start with the ones you like! The musical styles that we find pleasant and pleasing are the ones that have the most positive affect on our emotions and our stress levels. It’s not helpful to force yourself to listen to classical music to relax if you know you hate classical music.  Instead, identify those styles of music that you genuinely enjoy.  Once you have identified them, consider how these different styles make you feel.  Do they relax you or excite you?  Do they increase or decrease your energy level?  By understanding how certain kinds of music affect your body, you can use that music to achieve the emotion you want.

Once you have identified the right type of music, the next step is deciding how best to use it to improve your mood or lower your stress level.  Starting your day with the right song may be much more relaxing and calming than waking up to a droning beep.  Try setting your phone or alarm to play music instead of the standard alarm sound.  You can also take music with you throughout the day to help.  The portability of technology means that you can listen to positive music while exercising, during travel, on a break, doing chores, or even while working (depending on your job, of course).  If you have trouble meditating, music can be used to help you by giving you something to focus on other than your own thoughts.  You can even try singing your favorite songs as a way to reduce your stress level and increase a positive mood- and if you’re singing alone, no talent is required! 

However you decide to utilize music to de-stress yourself, the idea is to wrap yourself in the positive feelings created by the songs.  Experience the healing power of music by focusing on the rhythms and melodies of the songs that you choose.  With time, practice, and the right playlist, you can learn to create a soundtrack to your life that helps you combat the day-to-day stressors of a hectic world and create a better, happier you!

Submitted by Bill Knor, LCPC
Licensed Professional Counselor

Erasing Anxiety with Intentional Relationship Commitments

The media is flooded with evidence of individuals who are struggling to find ways of maintaining relationships that are important to them and subsequently failing.  One could argue they are failing because we are a disposable society who can’t seem to commit to a new phone let alone a personal relationship.   Erik Erikson believed one of the developmental stages of early adulthood is Intimacy vs. Isolation.  If you are successful during this developmental phase you achieve a positive outcome that enables you to make loving commitments to others.  If you are unsuccessful during this developmental phase you struggle with love.  You have difficulty with affection and demonstrate an inability to maintain lasting affectionate relationships.   This inner conflict usually leads to an outward expression of anger causing a breach in the level of commitment and ultimately a breakdown of the relationship. 

 

America recently had a new term enter mainstream media--conscious uncoupling.  This term is now used by individuals seeking to explain “uncoupling” to family and friends.  They seemingly, have found a way to move past the anger and rage that typically becomes a part of the breakdown of the relationship and found peace in “consciously uncoupling”.  They've made the choice to not linger in the breakdown and move on to the next phase of their lives.  Some have criticized this type of breakup as new age mumbo jumbo.  Others have embraced the decision to liberate oneself from anything that is not working, especially relationships.  Whatever side you may land on I'd like to offer a viewpoint that speaks to "conscious commitment".  The idea that when we as adults decide to enter into committed relationships with the intention to do what is necessary to create an environment of loving longevity.  Decreasing resentment, anger, confusion, isolation, ambiguity, hopelessness, and deep sadness after agreeing to partner with another.  We understand the complexity of human nature and therefore it’s beneficial to seek assistance in how to commit to each other--with intention.

Intentional Commitment

My understanding of intentional commitment is that each partner agrees to invest intentional effort in the relationship.  These efforts include but are not limited to: effective couple communication that promote learning about each other.  Learning skills that promote working collaboratively to resolve conflict, understand differences, and communicating for results.  These interactions often aid in reducing conflict and anxiety in the relationship.  This type of psychotherapy works to preserve the commitment through intentional modifications.  The goal is to help the couple identify intentional commitment as an attraction as opposed to an obligation.

 

Please contact Lauren White-Johnson if you would like to learn more about this type of relationship assistance.

Posted on 4/21/2014

Lauren F. White-Johnson, Licensed Psychotherapist

lwhite-johnson@anxiety-stresscenter.com

De-Stress Your Diet: Making Food Choices that Benefit Optimal Health

                           

Recent research has shown a relationship between depression and diet. People who follow more of a Mediterranean diet were noted to have less depression and more positive mental health.  While all the benefits of the Mediterranean diet are not known, it is thought that folate and omega-3 essential fatty acids are of the utmost importance.

Folate, a water -soluble B vitamin, is found in beans, green vegetables and whole grains. These are the foods that you want to eat more of in order to receive the physical and mental health benefits of folate.  Very good sources of folate, in order of strength, include soy beans, chick peas, pinto beans, spinach, lima beans, papaya, wheat germ, and asparagus.

There are two main types of Omega 3 essential fatty acids – Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and Eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA).  Both are important for heart and brain health and are found in deep ocean fatty fish such as salmon, sardines and mackerel.  Taking Omega 3 supplements is also an option along with eating nuts and Omega 3 enriched eggs. A third type of Omega 3 is called Alpha Linolenic Acid (ALA) which can be found in flax seed and some green vegetables.  ALA is converted to DHA and EPA by the body. The human body does not manufacture omega-3 essential fatty acids and we must get them from our diet.

Omega-6 fatty acids are another essential fatty acid that must be properly balanced with Omega-3s in order for us to achieve optimal health. The American diet is extremely out of balance. The ideal balance is 2:1 Omega 6 to Omega 3. However, because of the overuse of refined vegetable oils found in processed foods, we are getting far too much Omega 6 and not enough Omega 3.

Beef is another source of excess Omega 6. Cows are feed corn and other grains which raise the Omega 6 content greatly.  Cows that are fed grass, the food source intended for cows, have the correct Omega balance. In the typical American diet replete with processed and fast foods and grain feed beef, the average ratio of Omega 6 to Omega 3 is 15:1.  This imbalance in our dietary Omega 3s and 6s is thought to contribute to obesity, depression, dyslexia, hyperactivity and aggressive behavior.

You can make the necessary dietary changes to reduce the Omega 6 fatty acids and increase Omega 3 fatty acids by making some simple, progressive changes in your diet.  Reducing the intake of processed foods (most foods that come in a package and/or have been changed from their original, natural, whole form) and reducing the intake of polyunsaturated vegetable oils (corn, sunflower, safflower, soy and cottonseed oil).

In summary, to balance Omega 3s and 6s, eat more deep ocean fatty fish, beans, nuts, green vegetables, whole foods, whole grains, fruits, grass fed beef and reduce processed and fast foods, including junk foods.  For those who wish to make more substantial changes to their diet for greater mental and physical health, consider adopting the Mediterranean diet or the similar anti-inflammatory diet for optimal health.  Links for more information about these diets are provided below.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/mediterranean-diet/art-20047801

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART02012/anti-inflammatory-diet

Submitted by Holly O. Houston, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist