In today’s society, we live under the illusion of control.
This illusion begins from a very young age in which we are taught that we
control the world around us. We learned
that our actions had effects on the world around us. We realized that if we cried or screamed, we
were fed or our diapers were changed. And in many ways, this feeling of control
continued throughout our lives. In many ways, we can control the world around
us. If we are cold, we put on a sweater or turn up the heat. If we have a headache, we can lie down or
take an aspirin.
However, this line of thinking can become problematic when
we over-generalize our ability to control the world around us. Most notably,
when we try to control others around us. We have all had that moment in which
someone was not doing something to our expectations and have become frustrated.
We all have tried to change others, and many may have had varying degrees of
success. Some have asked a friend to stop calling at all hours of the night and have been successful,
or we may have asked our partner to tell us when the milk has run out, and have
run into frustration when, once again, we have no milk for our morning cereal.
When it comes to controlling the world around us, we are
able to manipulate some parts of the environment to our liking, such as
temperature of the room or setting. However, there may be several elements or
our environment that may also be out of our realm of control, such as outdoor
temperature or climate conditions.
When it comes to controlling others, we may be able to ask
for what we want or need, encourage, or make suggestions, however, we cannot
control another person. They must make the choice as to whether or not they desire
to act in accordance to our wishes. We feel successful when others act in
accordance, however, that was their choice, even if we made the suggestion.
Should someone choose to disregard our wishes, whether
because they do not have the time, the ability, or the desire, we have a few
options to be able to manage that situation.
We can make sure to clearly and calmly communicate our needs
to them, including why we need them to fulfill this need, as well as the
outcome. For example, we might tell our forgetful partner “I need to know when
the milk is gone so that I can buy more so that I can eat breakfast in the
morning. If I don’t eat breakfast, I can’t take my medication.”
We can choose to change our perspective of the situation. We
can change the way in which we are viewing the situation, or the assumptions we
are making. For example, instead of viewing the situation as “My friend has no
consideration for my feelings,” we might instead take the perspective of “My
friend must have a lot on their mind right now.”
We can determine what in the situation IS within our control. While we do not have the power to control
the behavior and actions of others, we do have the ability to control our own
behaviors, and make changes to our actions. What can we do differently or
change to make the situation more palatable to ourselves? Perhaps we can check how much milk is left
regularly, or have additional breakfast options available that do not require
milk. Perhaps we can silence our phones
before going to bed to avoid being woken by our friend’s 2 a.m. phone calls.
Finally, we can choose to accept the situation as it is. We
can accept the limits of our control and recognize that others have the freedom
to make their own choices. We can let go of our efforts to change others or the
situation and accept the situation for what it is, for better or worse, as well
as accepting our feelings about a situation. We can accept that a situation is
not ideal, while also accepting that we may not be able to do anything to
change it, either.
Submitted by Karen M. Rosian, Psy.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
